My dirty bipolar secret

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My dirty bipolar secret is something I’ve been living with since I my teens. I was diagnosed when I was seventeen and have been living on my own personal roller coaster ever since.

I’m outing my dirty secret because I think it’s important to accept who you are and love it no matter what. 

I swore off to writing about this subject because its embarrassing to be human in this way and not depict perfection like the rest of the world on Facebook and Instagram. 

Sadly, I’m not perfect. I’m not sorry for it. I’m actually okay with it, to a degree…

I like that I’m not part of the “cookie cutter clan”.

For years my parents told me to not tell people about it, which kinda made me feel more like a freak.

I’m not a screaming lunatic or have psychotic episodes.  I don’t see little green people, think the government is coming after me or have rooms covered in eyeballs in my house. 

People have a misconception of what bipolar disorder really is. In fact, many people function okay in life with it as long as they are controlled medically. 

Many actors, artists, scientist, musicians and ME have this. 

I do however, have a pretty heavy amount emotional ups and downs. I forget A LOT of stuff, have a lot of anxiety at times and do a lot of impulsive stuff, which can really suck.

My disorder became more complicated after I had my kids. Something changed in me that I wish hadn’t. I could probably win an Oscar, as I’m great at faking that I’m great. Or at least I think I do a good job and find out later on occasion that I’m terrible at it.

Currently, I’m off my medication to switch to a new medication and life has been a bit  overwhelming for me.  Thinking the universe is mad at you while you can’t concentrate or follow along is tough.

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To me, my bipolar disorder kinda has three faces when I’m unmedicated or controlled.

Face One (My favorite times): Full of energy; happy-go-lucky! I take on a million projects.  I’m super friendly AND flirty. 

I can do and will do anything in any order. I say yes to everything, even if I can’t handle it- I’m fucking Wonder Woman with an invisible cape! 

Face Two (I hate this): A common day for me unmediated is feeling like I want to cry, my heart beating a million miles an hour in my chest and ears; and every noise making me want to crawl out of my skin. 


I shut down. I get quiet. I snap at everyone. Then everyone gets mad at me…

Face Three (Normal- or what I think is) I’m forgetful and easily distracted but in a good mood. I consciously try hard not to repeat myself or cut people off as my mind is going a million miles an hour. 

This evening, as I struggle to publish this post, I stop and remember that regardless of what I’ve got going on, I must remain optimistic even if I get judged. 

At the end of the day, I’m the one living bipolar, not you.

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